This book, created from deep pain, has brought me immense joy. I began writing poetry in 2021 as a way of coping with the swarming thoughts that felt so endless, so hopeless. I wrote in journals, typed on my grandma’s old typewriter, spoke into voice recordings, made videos, and filled the notes app on my phone with all the poetic flows that arose in my mind.
Poetry became a way to make the ugly hopelessness into something beautiful. With descriptive words and flowing lines, I was finally able to recognize my emotions for what they were. I could finally pinpoint my weaknesses and create a path to strengthen myself.
I wrote for myself, never sharing them with anyone. I could be raw in my emotions for the first time. Finally, I could release the scary, confusing thoughts in a safe place between the pages. I wrote the words I didn’t have the strength to speak.
In the beginning of 2023, I decided I wanted to share my writing with the world. I reread through the hundreds of poems I had composed and found a satisfaction I had never felt before. I created beauty from ashes left from the fire of life. I began crafting the book together, intricately placing each poem in its place to tell my story.
In addition to the written poetry, I wanted to convey my story in another way. I carefully styled six elaborate outfits and worked with the incredible Kimberly Frost to take amazing portrait photos of myself. Each outfit tells a different part of the story and each photo represents a specific emotion.
Divided in five sections : Genesis, Desolation, Inquisition, Reformation, and Renaissance. We embark on my journey from birth to decay, desperation, rebirth, and renewal.
My entire heart, mind, and soul was poured into this book over a span of three years. I’m immensely proud of this book and I can’t wait for you to hold it in your hands as we embrace our reformation together!
Birth. Upbringing. Growth. Beginning.
Genesis begins when we are born. We take our first breaths, our first steps into the open world. We start crafting our personality, we meet family, begin friendships. Departure of our cozy womb begins our ticking time through an adventure unknown.
Crisp white cultured pearls, 600 around my neck, symbolizes the innocence presented upon birth.
Clean cream pants and hat represent our elegantly clean slate. We begin as a clean linen, becoming bruised and bloody with each step.
A shell-like sculptural top is inspiration from Sandro Botticelli’s masterpiece, The Birth of Venus. Showing the beauty in being born. The beauty of being blessed enough to exist.
With Genesis we begin our own story. We are granted blank pages to fill with memories and desires from our winding roads.
Downfall. Loss. Running. Attempt.
Being born so clean, it is inevitable we will wear and tear. In desolation, in hopes of mending my threads, I begin to fall apart further. A downward spiral begins, my mind becoming too dizzy to decipher the truth from the ocean of lies.
A pearl and crystal studded catsuit represents the slow burn, the slow loss of our pure pearls. Innocence becomes stripped from us.
A red, long coat covers my body. A direct result of my own actions. Bright red fabric extinguishes the shimmer of life and exemplifies our bloody hands.
Sunglasses only cover my eyes. They could never see the intention behind each action. I intended to repair, but only conjured more pain. In my eyes, you would see my struggle, but I don’t let you see it. I remain mysterious in my attempt at fulfillment.
Desolation begins as a ripple, a small wave. Slowly, it grows into a tsunami, desolating my world and all who accompany it.
Desperation. Lost. Wandering. Numb.
After the fall, we discuss in our minds whether we rise or fall further into the ground. We’ve lost it all, we only have limited time. We grieve, we cry, we give up, and we decide. Contemplation of a life takes time to unfold. Reviewing the footage of years we’ve hidden inside ourselves.
All black attire, the sign of a mourning beggar. The color black, no light within. The color black, all the colors within.
A black lace veil, the sign of the times. Do we choose to marry the darkness or run with cold feet through the night?
Inquisition is prolonged, a questioning phase. Too many questions, too few answers, we feel nothing in the midst. We start with a choice and end with the same. Is this sacrifice worth the prize of redemption and freedom?
Regrowth. Sacrifice. Resolution. Transform.
A choice we made to sacrifice our fun, in hope of renewal and indulgence of true love. There is no path, we must blaze a trail. No straight line will deliver us from hell, we must wander through deserts, finding beauty from within.
Snakeskin pants represent our growth. We shed our skin to be reborn. Letting go of our past and looking ahead brings warmth to our bodies which were once cold-blooded.
A unique blue shirt represents light. The first time we saw the blue sky as we let the clouds pass. Staring at the blue oasis up high for hours on end becomes our guiding light. It becomes our new veil, an aura of life.
Reformation begins when we let it. Our teeth become clenched, our knuckles turn white, calluses form on the palm of our hands. For freedom, we fight through the day and night, in hopes to be granted internal life.
Rebirth. Fulfillment. New Life. Freedom.
We fought the good fight and were crowned the victor. We healed from within, now we can embrace our new life. The journey here was many miles far, but the knowledge we gained will carry is ten times far.
A black silhouette will show we’re still the same person, but we were willing to grow.
The golden details is our wage for the fight. We were born with pearls, but transformed them to gold. We lost what was precious and restored our return tenfold. A loss is a gain if you choose to sustain.
The silver and crystal chains laced around my body is the excitement of life I’ve regained through the night.
A renaissance is a renewal, an enjoyment for what’s new. An appreciation for what we have and a continued strive for what we want. Renaissance is a reflection upon our happenings. We allow ourselves to embrace our blessings for the first time, fully.
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